Ferrari

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Friday, January 30, 2009

The Bloody Dawn





I lounged under a thick maple toying with a clover, as I watched the sun set over the hills. I sometimes wished I could go on an adventure and see the world past the hills. After I watched the last orange glow I hurried back to my home which was just outside the castle in a hamlet. My mother had the table set. The food looked splendid. Part of the deer my father had caught, lie steaming upon the table. I sat down across from my father. He was a stalwart middle aged man who was very fit and able to take down anything twice his size. On my right was my mother who was also middle aged like my father, she had a pretty face and worked hard to keep every crevice of our house tidy. My little sister sat at my left she was about two, she was still a baby, she just ate, slept, played and prattled endlessly.

After we had finished supper my father thanked my mother and he pulled me aside. He had a grave look on his face as he said, “Son, your 15 now and that’s old enough to become a squire. The king wants you to come join him at the castle, but you have to prove yourself worthy because the king won’t just take a little peasant boy.”

I said nothing, the castle meant feasts, stories, and carnivals. I thought the king must be urgent to find men because he usually doesn’t just allow 15 year old peasants into his domain to breathe his air.

I could barely sleep that night, I don’t know if it was excitement or horror that caused my deprivation of sleep. The next morning I awoke weary. I stumbled out of bed and saw my father waiting for me. I looked at him in dismay, he was wearing chainmail under his shirt and possessed a sword which I had never seen before. “Father what are you doing?” My voice was timid.

“Son, I too have to go to the castle.” He responded.

“Why?”

“Last night the king’s messenger came and said I would have to meet with 150 others in the castle courtyard and prepare for battle. He also said the other army we will face is much larger than ours.”

I was a bit relieved my father was going to be there, at the castle with me. When we arrived at the castle I saw about fifty other boys who I assumed were going to train to become squires. I said goodbye to my dad and headed over to them. I saw a few of my friends and chatted for a while until the superfluous king came out onto his balcony and the trumpeters played. The king bellowed in an authoritarian manner, “I have a battle tactic. Ahem, I am planning on sending all of you, even the young men into battle along with my soldiers. We will march today and fight just past the hills to prevent damage to this land. Prepare for battle!”

Almost all of the boys around me started to panic, some hyperventilated others just stood in shock. I was separated from my father and the other boys and I were taken and put in chain mail. All of us were handed short swords, iron shields, and helmets. Soon we headed out.

I hurried ahead and caught up to my dad, “Father do you think we have a chance?” I said.

“We have a chance, as all things do, but I am afraid for both of our lives, I love you son, and your sister and mother, if I don’t make it tell them,” answered my father gravely.

“No, dad we will make it, neither of us can die, you and I will make it through and be heroes,” I said in denial.

At this point a tear had come to my eye at the thought of my dad being stricken down and killed by an opposing soldier. That night we camped on the hill top. As I settled down there was a feeling of uneasiness around me. I eventually was able to drift off to sleep.

“EVERYONE UP, EVERYONE UP!” The watchman shouted.

I opened my eyes and saw men scrambling around for their weapons as flaming arrows landed about us. I picked up my sword and shield and stood with my squad ready to fight. The dawn was just breaking and the sun was starting to rise in the valley behind me. A man on horseback ordered us to charge the opposition so we did like obedient dogs, running down the hill into peril.

At the bottom of the hill we clashed with the other army. I ducked as five men around me were pierced by pikes. I discreetly ran under a few pikes and I stabbed a spearman in the leg, unnoticed, I hurried through their ranks taking out a few men’s legs here or there. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins. I was soon discovered and surrounded, I was done for, but then, incredibly, the cavalry rammed in, annihilating half the opposing men. Disorientated I scrambled back to the bulk of my army.

After I got reoriented I started to run to my father, who was now muddy and covered in scarlet blood that dripped from his blade. He swung his blade hacking, slicing, and stabbing, fighting off man after man, I tried to go and help him but I was knocked into a crimson colored puddle by a runaway horse. I lifted my head and saw my father fighting deftly against an opposing soldier, the clang of metal rang through my ears. I wanted so badly to get out of my blood bath and help fight at his side but a fear inside me held me back. Then, all too suddenly, my father was stabbed in the stomach, he fell and lie prostrate in the mud. I got up and tried to run to my father but I was quickly knocked down again by an attacking soldier’s shield. I lie there watching my father as the mud on my face was washed away by a steady flow of tears.
I had to watch my own father die. Ever since that bloody dawn I have rued my wish for adventure and to see the land past the hills.


8 comments:

Nathaniel said...

I would like the reader to get the theme easily also. I think the description works well it was easy to write. The dialogue is a bit unreal and I didn't like forcing vocab words into the story. I think any feedback would be helpful. I would like to know what the reader thinks about my description.

Jack said...

The conflict of the story is that the main character is going to war along with other boys his age and 150 men from the kingdom.This was an external conflict.It was resolved by them going into war and the boys father being killed.I wasn't very investede in the resolution of the conflict because it came very quickly.If you drew out the resolution of the conflict a bit more it would make the story more dramatic.
At the beginning of the story, the main charater is portrayed as a weak little peasant boy, and by the end he is fighting to defend the kingdom.His development is his courage, which grows throughout the story.If the character did not develop this courage then the conflict might not be as exciting.
My favorite part of the story was when the boy went around hacking at the soldiers legs.This occured at the rising action. "I sometimes wished I could go on an adventure and see the world past the hills." This quote was good because it was foreshadowing.
The best quality of the story overall was the desacription of the setting and action.This quote was one example of good description, "I lounged under a thick maple toying with a clover, as I watched the sun set over the hills."
Thee stories theme was to be careful what you wish for.At the beginning the main character is hoping for an adventure, but when he finally gets on his father ends up dying because of it.
Before Mr.BG grades tyour story, you will want to proof read it again because there were a few sentences that didn't make sense that could be easily fixed.

Casey said...

1.The conflict in the story is that a army is attacking the kingdom, and the main character must fight with with his father who where drafted into the army.
2.The main character turns from a little kid to a soldier who must fight for his kindom.
3.My favorite part of the story is when he has to watch his father get stabed and killed. It was the resolution.
4.I liked this story, it was well written and had a ok plot.
5.the stories theme is be careful what you wish for. He stated in the begining that he wanted to travel, but when he does, his dad dies.
6.He needs to add more detail. The parts of the story werent very clear.

Will the pill said...

HAHA Will V. is beating fire ants.

Nathaniel said...

HERES THE 14 WORDS I USED
hamlet- n. small village. The main character lives in a hamlet.

stalwart- adj. strong. The main character’s father is very stalwart.

crevice- n. split or crack. The main character’s mother cleans every small space (crevice) in the house.

prattle- n. meaningless foolish talk. The main character’s sister is only two and she talks about nothing.

superfluous- adj. extra or extravagant. The king is rich and likes everything to be extravagant and royal.

authoritarian- adj. strict or bossy. Kings are always commanding and act bossy.

hyperventilate- v. to breath quickly and deeply. The boys were not expecting something and they started to get nervous and hyperventilate.

grave- adj. serious. The main characters father was having a very serious conversation with him.

hero- n. a legendary figure with great strength or ability. The main character hopes to be a hero with his father.

discreet- adj. cautious or careful. The main character has to be careful when avoiding the spears.

incredible- adj. unbelievable, from the root cred- trust or believe. The main character couldn’t believe he was being saved.

deftly- av. with skill. The father was fighting skillfully against another man.

prostrate- adj. lying face downwards. When someone dies they lie face down (if I say who dies it will ruin the story).

rue- v. regret. The main character regrets one of his wishes.

Jill said...

I. The conflict of the story is that the main character is going o war with some other boys or some of his friends that he might have known and another 150 men from the kingdom. It was an external conflict. It was resolved by both father and son going to war with opposing soldiers and him having to watch his own father die right in front of him. I think that the story is pretty dramatic enough; maybe adding a few lines of dialogue in the story would help a bit.

II. In the beginning of the story, the main character is scared to go off into war, and then soon later finds out that his dad is also going to war along with him, so towards the middle of the story, he decides to go for it and go with his dad. But then at the ending, he makes it clear that whenever wants to go back from what he had experienced. The character I would say developed the courage to actually go into the war in the first place, and if he did not develop it, then the story wouldn’t be as exciting to find out what would happen next. He probably would have never gone into war.

III. My favorite part of the story was when he was watching his father die. It wasn’t a good part of the story, meaning it was really sad, but I thought he used the appropriate words to describe the scene. It had occurred in the resolution of the story. "My father was stabbed in the stomach, he fell and lie prostrate in the mud. I got up and tried to run to my father but I was quickly knocked down again by an attacking soldier’s shield. I lie there watching my father as the mud on my face was washed away by a steady flow of tears." I picked this quote from the story because it was a good example of my favorite part of the story.

IV. Overall, the story's best quality would have to be character development because the character changed so much throughout the whole story.

V. The story's theme is that it isn’t always what it seems. I think this because at the beginning of the story, the main character was hoping for just an adventure with his dad to get away, and then didn’t exactly get that.

VI. I think that he did a good job with revising the story, but the only thing that held me back was the dialogue. He could have used more realistic dialogue, and maybe more then he did. Overall, I think that this was a great story and fun to read!

Nathaniel said...

After the comments and the peer editing guide I received I made some changes. The biggest change I made was making the ending longer. I made the ending longer because I had received a comment that told me if I made the ending longer it would be more dramatic and I thought it would be a good idea. I think that the comments were the most beneficial because I made a lot of changes because of them. I think that my stories greatest strength is its description. I found it easy to write the description. One of my favorite lines is this “I lounged under a thick maple toying with a clover, as I watched the sun set over the hills.” One piece of advice I would like to tell upcoming students is to use a lot of description, without description your story could seem dull. Also when you use description make sure not to just add one adjective but to use many adjectives and look up their synonyms to make your speech seem more eloquent.

Nathaniel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.